Sibling Feuds
by The Big Rocky Eye
Summary: Sometimes, being a crybaby gets you revenge over your younger sibling. At least, that's how Felix sees it.
1. Felix vs Jenna

Sibling Feuds

"Ow!!! Jenna, listen to me! Oh...for the love of Venus..." Felix screamed.

"I won't listen!!! And I don't give two cents about Venus!!!" Jenna screamed back, chasing his brother with the scabbard of her Tisiphone Edge.

"JENNA! I NEVER TOUCHED YOUR DIARY! YOU LEFT IT ON YOUR BED!!!" Felix protested. "Ouch!"

"Felix," Jenna's voice was awfully cool. Cool enough to freeze the Lamakan Desert. "I always lock up my diary."

"SO?!?!?"

"So, you must have cracked my security system to get to it."

Jenna's security system consisted of 18 safes and 24 padlocks. It was so big, in fact, that her room needed an extra-big closet to house it. In addition to her massive wardrobe.

"WHAT?!?! HOW COULD I HAVE CRACKED...WHAT? 24 PADLOCKS?"

"Who knows what you're capable of? You must have done something horrible to have to clean the whole house every day for a year."

"Jenna, I'm warning you..." Felix's hand slid over to his Sol Blade. "OUCH!!!"

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!" Jenna yelled.

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!!" Felix yelled back, unsheathing his Sol Blade.

"That blade is awfully heavy, you know! You'll never get me!" Jenna taunted.

"Wait...I have it somewhere!" Felix ran to his room and started tossing random objects around.

Jenna watched in amusement. "You are simply begging me to hit you."

"Then bring it on!" Felix stood up, carrying a Tisiphone Edge.

Jenna gasped. "FELIX! HOW COULD YOU!?!?!?!"

"Jenna, who was it that got us through Mercury, Venus, Jupiter AND Mars Lighthouse?"

"..."

"No answer? Then let's see which is stronger, your Tisiphone Edge or its scabbard."

"Why, you...OUCH!"

Felix smiled smugly. "I guess your sword wins."

"HEY! THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

"Life's not fair. How would YOU like staying in Prox with Saturos, Menardi, Agatio and Karst breathing down your neck every second for three years?"

"Felix, shut up. Go play your cello or something, you suck at these fights."

"I'll see about that!...OUCH!...owie...ow...OUCH!...OKAY, I GIVE!...I SURRENDER!...UNCLE! UNCLE!...ouch..."

Jenna was still beating Felix up. "TAKE THAT!...AND THAT!...NO SURRENDER!...HA!...SO YOU RECOGNIZE ME AS SUPERIOR, DON'T YOU?"

"Yes! Yes! I give!"

"HA!"

Felix started bawling like a baby.

"Oh, for the love of Mars, how could you cry from THAT? You never cried when the Doom Dragon practically sat on you!"

"You'll see..." Felix replied smugly.

It was then that the door downstairs opened. "Felix! Jenna! I'm home!"

Jenna paled, and Felix kept on crying.

Ivy came up the stairs to find that her son was curled up near the staircase, sobbing.

"There, there, now. Felix, dear, what's wrong?"

"...Jenna!...hit me...WAA!!!!!!!!"

Garet was taking his afternoon walk. As he passed by Jenna's home, he observed her being chased around and around by her mother, who was hitting her with an armchair.

The moral of the story: Don't make your older brother cry. Especially when your mom walks in the door. The oldest kid is always favored by the mother.


	2. Garet vs Kay vs Aaron, Part One

Sibling Feuds

Chapter 2: Kay vs. Aaron vs. Garet

"Garet?" Kay whispered as she peeked into her brother's bedroom. "Garet?"

"...ngg...what?" was the muffled response.

"Time for school, honey! And pillows are made for heads, not mouths, dear."

"...got it, mom..."

"Okay then. Brush your teeth and come down for breakfast."

"...okay, mom."

Kay quickly closed the door and set off for her brother Aaron's room.

"Aaron?" she whispered after opening her other brother's door a crack.

"Mommy?" Aaron whispered back, half-asleep.

"Yes, it's me. It's time for school, dear. Tomorrow you can sleep in."

"School?"

"Yes. Now go and brush your teeth."

"Mommy?"  
"Yes, honey?"

"Can I sleep in for a minute or two?"

"No, honey! You're late! And don't forget to come down to breakfast again."

Kay then went to her parent's room.

"Mom? Dad?" Once again, in a whisper.

"Kay?" her dad asked.

"Isn't it time for work?"

"No, it isn't, dear. Today is the holy day of Venus." her mom whispered in reply.

"That's tomorrow, Mom. I think you're late."

"Okay, okay. I hope Dora doesn't get mad at me again." her dad said.

"Okay then. I'll fix breakfast!"

She crept down to the kitchen to see Garet and Aaron waiting.

"Good morning, guys."

"Good morning, Kay." Aaron muttered.

"Morning." Garet echoed.

"I think it's my turn to make breakfast. What do you guys want?"

"A big omelette with lots of bacon." Garet said sleepily, then yawned.

"Pancakes." Aaron muttered.

"Oh, boy..." Kay sighed.

"Omelette!" Garet shouted.

"Pancakes!" Aaron shouted.

"Omelette omelette omelette omelette omelette..." Garet repeated over and over.

"Pancakes! Pancakes pancakes pancakes pancakes..." Aaron shouted over his brother's voice.

"SHUT UP!" Kay yelled. "I'll make omelettes, pancakes and bacon. Just, please! I don't want another headache! Mr. Hilborn will have my head!"

"Fine!" Aaron said.

"Fine..." Garet grudgingly assented.

"Very well." And with that, Kay started making the pancakes.

"I can't believe we have school today! Mrs. Bernstein is so unforgiving! And I have to have her today!" Garet complained.

"Well, she couldn't be any worse than Ms. Shaw! She acts like we're supposed to know advanced calculus! And I'm only in grade SIX!" Aaron whined.

"Mrs. Bernstein had me do a 16,000 word essay on the wonders of Alchemy!"

"Ms. Shaw made us do...something. All this crap about trangles and right angles and ratios. Stupid."

"I only had one day to do my essay!"

"Ouch. But Ms. Shaw assigned me THAT," - Aaron guestured at a pile of books stacked not-so-neatly on the wall - "and told us to finish it all last night! How am I supposed to carry all that?"

"Yipes! That's your homework?"

"Yes! I don't get any of it!"

"I heard from Isaac that we have to do a research project about the origins of Adepts."

"That's easy to answer, they come from their mother's wombs."

"Ha! But Mrs. Bernstein won't take that. She'd probably want a lengthy explanation on the development of babies during their gestation!"

"Ouchies."

"Here you go!" Kay interrupted, setting plates of food before them.

"FOOD!" Garet yelled before stuffing his mouth. Aaron, on the other hand, ate politely, chewed slowly and used the napkin once in a while. Mr. and Mrs. Jerra came down the stairs, took their places at the table and began eating. Kay started eating too, but finished quickly and set her plate down at the sink.

"Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad! Yes, there is a staff meeting! Seriously! Bye Garet! Bye Aaron!" Kay called, then shut the door quickly. "Whew! Kay, you are a genius!" And she bounded up the stairs...

...and into Garet's room. "Now, where is it..." She looked through piles of clothes, some armor and in his closet. Finally, she stopped at the flowerpot. It was empty. Innocent. Or was it? She reached her hand in and pulled out its contents. A book came out with a peculiar title: "Garet's Dairy". _How did this guy pass Grade Eleven? He can't tell the difference between Diary and Dairy! _she wondered to herself. _Oh well. Now, for Phase 3..._

* * *

A botched attempt at a cliffhanger ending! Well, I hope you like! (Which is unlikely, but I can hope...right?) 


	3. Garet vs Kay vs Aaron, Part Two

Sibling Feuds

Some people are going to say "Yay, finally, an update". And more people are going to say "Aw, shit. An update". For the former, here you go. For the latter...sorry for the pain I must inflict on you sometimes.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the friggin' games, for heaven's sakes! And if you think I do, then go see a psych-atricks - I mean, psychiatrist.

Chapter 3: Chapter 2, Part 2

"Muahahaha!" Kay cackled as she opened "Garet's Dairy". "I know he keeps some important information here, or he wouldn't always be blackmailing Aaron! And there just might be some compromising information of its own!" said she as she opened the book. "Now, let's see…hmm…turns out Garet isn't so stupid, after all…"

She held in her hands a blueprint for a dairy, to begin construction in the year 298 A.S.

"Gah! What am I supposed to do with _this_?" Kay fumed. "I have work to do, and I need Garet to do it for me! _Now_ how am I supposed to…persuade…him?"

Just then, something caught her eye. She pulled out the booklet from the box, opened it up and read.

"_Noren yabber klush, in eit bluck est rectorum phel. Tie est Kay brack Aaron credo carpe dolorem Isaac est, im porte yabbe heligentut. In nore yabber Isaac brae Kay von Aaron tush, rapere Aaron credo Kay unum diabolis erlaugten. Im est Lemuris lingue chane rapere heiligent rectorum est, nobis pro noren! Yie sira Kay nonum erla est, repa heiligentut nore phel klush. Noren tieren carpe aspera, sonnen bracken est. Yish restorum dem Solagenem tie, steterat priamis Kay eraquerum est_… Wait a minute, what is this? Gibberish? Well, it talks about me…I'd better keep my hands on it. Sneaky little bastard, writing diaries in foreign languages now?" For the title was _'Raetoris Garetis: Fanierum Inditere'_. "Wait a minute…'Lemuris'? Maybe that Piers guy will know." She took the book and stuffed it in her shirt as she walked out the front door.

"KAY!" a voice bellowed.

"Yes?" she answered, looking around.

"You lied to us, you little miscreant! You said we had school today!" Aaron stepped out from behind the tree.

"But…but…"

"You are going to be in so much trouble when Garet gets here!"

"It's just Garet, what's he going to do? Fry-"

As she spoke, flames descended upon her. "That'll teach you to lie to us!" Garet shouted, stomping up the path. "Now you'll really get it when Mom gets home!"

"Garet, where's Piers?" Kay demanded.

"In the inn…I mean, none of your business! You are _so_ in for it!" Garet started dragging Kay into the house.

"Look what I have!" she exclaimed, producing the book.

"_Raetoris Garetis: Fanierum Inditere. _What? It's just a little notebook. Piers was teaching me a little Lemurian while we were sailing. Look, _raetoris_ means notebook, _fanierum _means beginner, and _inditere_ means student. What's the big deal?" Inside, Garet reeled. How could Kay have gotten her dirty hands on this? No matter, Piers will cover up the secret. After all, there's a message to him in there…

"As Garet says, it's just a notebook…it says no more than that you, Aaron and Isaac are always nagging him…umm…and that this language could hide secrets from you and the others and would therefore be very beneficial. Ha! Don't be so excited about this find, Kay, I've seen it all before. Some grammar mistakes here, as you can see-" he pointed to a spot on the page "-the more appropriate form of _repa_ would be _reia_; also here, where the proper conjugation would be _carperi_." Piers looked up. "Anything else?"

"No, thank you, Piers." Kay stood up. "Why don't you come over for a cup of tea?" At least having a guest would postpone the wrath of Mother.

"Sure, why not. I bet Garet would be pleased."

"Well then, come on!" She got up, and Piers did the same.

"So, where'd you find that book?"

"In a box in Garet's room."

"Cool." Inwardly he smiled. Watch out, Garet, or you'll be blackmailed!

"So…my, I never noticed…"

"Noticed what?"

Kay blushed noticeably. "Umm…that there was a nut on that tree."

"A nut? I don't see one."

"Well, there used to be one. I guess someone took it…wait a minute, nuts grow on trees?"

"Kaliopi nuts do."

"I've never heard of them."

"They're a breed native to Lemuria. Won't find them anywhere else. There used to be some up in Imil, but they died of the frost."

"So I'm assuming you're on good terms with Mia?"

"Well, fairly good terms. What, do you think we're together? I must be at least a hundred years older than her."

"Oh. Well, how old are you?"

"Don't ask me that."

"Aw, come on!"

"Don't. Even Felix couldn't milk it out of me."

"How about Ivan? Sheba?"

"Nope and nope."

"Aw, won't you tell me, please!"

"Kay, _no_. Or, in Lemurian, _pia_."

"Oh, whatever. I give up."

"Good. Hey, where are you going?"

"Umm…to Mt. Aleph?"

"I thought we were going to your house for tea?"

"Umm…well, here's the house. If by any chance someone comes screaming out the door, defend me against him, alright?"

"Of course."

As they approached the house, Grandfather Jerra came out, shaking his stick at Kay. "Are you crazy? You told Taylor and Lizzie to go to work! Today's the holy day of Venus, you idiot! And school for the children? What's wrong with you? Get your little behind over here, now! Your father and I have a good little treatment for idiotic behaviour like that!" Piers stared. "Umm…maybe this isn't such a good time."

"A guest, Kay?" called her mom from inside.

"Yes, mom!"

"I'm sorry, sonny, but-" the mayor started.

"_Sonny_? I'll have you know that I'm one hundred fifty-five and a half years old, you old galoot! _I _should be the one calling you sonny! Get back here, you little child! And give me that cane! Take that! Ha! You're lucky I'm very self-controlled! I defy you to call me 'sonny' again, now!" Kay laughed.

"You brought a _lunatic_ visiting?" the old man asked. "Why, he doesn't even look to be thirty yet!"

"He's Lemurian, granddad. He's really that old. And you, Granddad milked your age out of you!"

"Oh, shut up, you little girl!"

"Hey!"

"I'm telling Felix and Sheba!" called Garet as he burst through the door.

"Garet, I have this!" Piers called, showing him the "notebook".

"What! Hey, give me that!"

"Kay took it out of your room, go and blame her!"

"KAY, WHY WERE YOU IN MY ROOM?"

"Only you and Piers can understand that gibberish! Why do you care?"

"Felix understands it! Same for Ivan! And have you forgotten Mia?"

"Hey, how should I know?"

"How many times do I have to tell you to stay out of my room!"

Piers slipped away inconspicuously.

"Kay, you are _so_ in for it."

"Mom! Garet's threatening me again!"

"What are _we_ supposed to do about it, Kay? You're the older sister!" her dad called.

"But Mom, Dad…!"

"Deal with it yourself, Kay."

"He's going to summon another meteor on the house again!"

"Garet, promise not to summon a meteor on the house."

"Yes, mom, I promise."

"Useless bastards…" Kay cursed.

"Bad girl!" Garet whacked her on the head.

"Bad boy!" Kay whacked Garet on the head.

"Bad older siblings!" Aaron said, whacking them both on the head.

"Bad little brother!" Kay and Garet whacked Aaron.

"Bad people!" Aaron kicked Garet and Kay.

"No kicking." Garet kicked him.

"Hypocrite!" Kay nudged Garet.

"Shut up!" Another whack.

"Now now, children…" Aaron started.

"_Children?_ Piers! Teach this kid a lesson!" Garet called.

"Too old!" came the reply, floating on the wind.

"Gah! I'll do it myself! Bad Aaron!" A kick.

"No kicking!" Aaron said, punching Garet.

"Ow! What was that for?" Garet had ducked, and Aaron hit Kay.

"Whoops…"

"Get back here! Aaron!"

"I'm going to get you, Aaron!" Garet shouted. "Oomph! Hey, don't trick – _trip_ me like that!"

"Why shouldn't I?" Aaron teased, running down the stairs.

* * *

"Mom, what's going on out there!" Isaac whined. 

"Oh, it's just Aaron and Kay running around."

"One of their fights?"

"Looks like it. Now, Isaac, get up, my dear. It's two in the afternoon."

"But it's still night out!"

"Oh my goodness! Isaac, are you blind?"

"Ngg…no, it's just that my…"

"Isaac! Should I take you to the healer?" Dora rushed up the stairs.

"All black…" Isaac moaned.

"Come on! Isaac…oh my goodness…"

"Did I fool you? Mom, you are so gullible." Isaac turned. "I'm doing homework."

"You don't go to school, Isaac."

"Are _you_ blind, Mom? I'm fixing the table."

"That's not homework!"

"Yes it is! See, I'm working at home! Home work! Work at home! Get it?"

"Oh, shut up, Isaac."

"Come one, Mom! It was funny, admit it."

"Fine, it was mildly amusing."

"Good."

* * *

"Get back here, Kay! You still have to answer up to making us go to school today!" Garet shouted.

"Yeah! You almost made me have a heart attack!" Aaron shouted.

"NEVER!" Kay ran like the wind (with the wind?)…right into a bush. Where she tripped, and fell, and got scratched by the branches, and crawled out and fell into a ditch. Except that there was no ditch. It was a river.

The laughs angered her. Who were they, to mock? If they had gone through the same thing, would it be so funny? Goodness…

She fainted.

* * *

Kay…Kay…are you okay?...oh my goodness…do you think…healer…Kay…Kay…what happened to you?...fell into…waterfall…river…ran…bush…Garet…Aaron…morning…school…work…Dora…answers…

"Ahh! The voices! Make it stop!" Kay screamed.

"Whatsthematter? Oh, Kay. You're awake. Nightmares?" Piers looked up from his newspaper. "You were falling down the river, and I saw you. Of course, I knew some first aid, and-"

"Where am I?" Kay sat up.

"My room in the inn. Now, sit down, I'm going to try for another Ply. Looks like you got hurt something bad. What happened – wait, tell me later. Do you feel alright?"

"I feel so dizzy…" Kay mumbled.

"Maybe a Ply Well is required, then…" The fairy came, sprinkling the healing dust on her. "Any better?" Piers asked as the fairy flew away to wherever they lived.

"Better, thanks. Where are those idiots?"

"Your brothers, you mean? They were laughing so loud, I could hear them from the plaza."

"What? No way." She stood up.

"Sit down; you're in no condition for another fight."

He was talking to empty air. She had already gone.

* * *

"Ow!" Garet cried. "Aaron, that wasn't nice!"

"Wasn't me!" Aaron said.

"Who was it, then? The cookie jar?"

"Aw, shut up. It was Kay! See?"

Kay ducked behind the tree.

"Sure…look, Aaron, she fell off a waterfall. She ain't recovering soon."

"Think again, you bastards!" Kay smacked them both with a conveniently placed stick.

"Hey!" Smack.

"That wasn't nice, Kay!" Kick.

"Give me my stick!" Jenna's uncle, Tennyson, called from his door.

"Come in, Tennyson,it's cold out." Jenna's aunt chided.

"Kay, please stop. And please give back Tennyson's stick." Her mom walked over to the three fighting kids. "Now, Garet, Aaron, please. I've had enough of a headache for one day. Let me rest. _Please_."

"But, Mom..." Kay whined.

"No buts. Get in."

END CHAPTER


	4. Ivan vs Hama, Part One

Chapter 4: Ivan vs. Hama, Part One

DISCLAIMER: If I owned Golden Sun, I would be watching Golden Sun on television instead of writing fanfics! (Final interpretation of above DISCLAIMER remains with The Big Rocky Eye.)

* * *

_Dear Isaac,_

_Hama is very nice. She has some chocolate. I have been well – She was not abusing me! Anyways, tomorrow night me and her are leaving lately, preparing for the festival. Please, won't you come over? Come, have fun! You will help our appetites, at least! Me and Hama really will pass out if you refuse, this time, to come. This message is your warning – come on! We really will go; crazy if you don't come! Don't be surprised if Hama comes out to blow your head off! The festival is on the 23rd. It's the anniversary of the flying ship, as they call it down here in Contigo. Good old memories. Happy 19th birthday, by the way. Make sure Sheba doesn't keep your present for herself._

_I hope you can come, Isaac. Hope everything is well in Vale._

_Yours truly,_

_Ivan_

_P.S. I heard from Jenna that you're becoming a bit too annoying for her lately. Might want to tone down the wooing a little. Hope I'm not too late…_

* * *

Isaac's face betrayed a perplexed mind. 

"What's wrong, Isaac?" Sheba asked.

"Ivan doesn't write like this…I mean, all that awkward wording and stuff is very unlike him. Yet this is his handwriting…"

Jenna shrugged. "It could be a forgery."

"Jenna, I saw Ivan seal it himself." Sheba paused. "He could be trying to tell us something."

"What do you mean by that?" Isaac asked.

"He was being so secretive about giving me this letter! He told me not to let Hama see it, or else he was doomed! It must mean there's a secret message."

"What? I see no secret message! You find it!" Isaac shoved the letter over. "I can't make heads or tails of this."

Sheba picked up and read the letter. "…Chocolate? Ivan hates chocolate! And he hates bad grammar even more!" Sheba murmured. "And the remark about abuse…"

"Wait a minute!" Jenna exclaimed. "Give me that! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine…"

"What are you counting?" Isaac asked.

"…Forget it. Sixteen means nothing." Jenna shook her head. "Why would Ivan give you such a strange birthday greeting?"

"He's trying to tell us something. I know it."

* * *

"Please, Isaac…get the message…get the message…" Ivan prayed as the door opened. 

"What message?" Hama asked as she walked in. "Have you been doing anything stupid?"

"No…no…"

"… Ivan! You idiot!"

"NOO!"

* * *

"Piers? Mia? Felix? Some help would be nice!" 

"Well, let me see the letter." Felix stepped over. "How strange. It's almost as if Ivan was filling in blanks…I have an idea!"

Jenna turned. "What?"

"I need a pencil and paper!...Thanks. Alright, let's see… DIHIVNSHSCIHBW…nope. Can't be it."

"Maybe it _does_ mean something? Look, you can see what looks like 'die' in the beginning, then 'Ivan', then 'shh' and something loosely resembling 'scribe'…" Garet commented.

"Garet! Don't be stupid!" Jenna whacked him on the head.

"If we follow Garet's interpretation, we'd end up with something like 'Shh! Ivan the scribe died!' or something like that. Ivan is definitely not a scribe." Mia chirped. "I once was a scribe, so I should know."

"Mia, don't encourage Garet." She whacked Mia on the head. "It's way too random for Ivan. Don't you know how precise he is? His message would tell us exactly what he has to say. No interpretation necessary. Now, think people, think! What would -"

Mia had whacked Jenna on the head. "That'll teach you! Look Sheba, why did Ivan not want Hama to see this? What's there to see?"

"I don't know." Sheba shook her head. "Ivan stayed up all night writing this, while asking me a million times over whether I would be leaving the next day. Then, he woke me up at three in the morning, slipped me this letter in the oddest fashion and told me to bring it to Isaac without anyone seeing. Especially Hama. That's all."

"Strange…Ivan may be quiet at times, even secretive, but never like this." Piers said. "Why he would do anything like that is beyond me."

Isaac, who was pacing back and forth in his living room, suddenly had a light bulb appear over his head.

"What's with the light?" Garet asked. "It's making my head hurt. Ugh…"

"Guys, we need to see Kraden." Isaac whispered. "It's the only way."

Felix's eyes widened. "…Not Kraden. Please…"

"Yes, Kraden. Who else can break the puzzle?"

"You're out of your mind. You're crazy. You're crazy! CRAZY!" Jenna screamed like a maniac.

* * *

"Why did you have to be so stupid, Ivan?" Hama shook her head. "I'm sorry, but stupidity merits punishment." She took out a thin stick. 

"Don't, Hama. I won't take it from you anymore. Give me that!"

* * *

"Do you hear that?" a random villager (who we'll call Bob) said. "I'm scared!" 

"Hama's beating up Ivan again. Nothing to be worried about." This, another random villager (who we'll call Karla Hemelku) replied.

"Oh." Bob smiled. "Go Ivan."

* * *

"…hmm…as far as I can see there is a message hidden using detectable stenography techniques…Heating has produced no effect as far as I can see, and word analysis shows nothing more than strange wording… Word frequency analysis has proven inconclusive…Absence of apparent symbolic patterning…However, the wording suggest a pre-written message hidden inside filler text…If only we knew what was filler and what was plaintext, we could easily solve the puzzle…we have no probable plaintext to work from…" 

"I'm surprised Kraden hasn't run out of oxygen yet!" Garet whispered. "He's been talking non-stop for the past two hours! Why'd you have to bring us here?"

"He knows what he's doing. Our primary objective is to find the message!" Isaac whispered back.

"…and thus I can be of no more use to you than to return the message, to tell you to bear in mind the presence of what is probably unencrypted hidden plaintext and to wish you luck." Kraden finished.

"Thanks, Kraden." Isaac took the message. "We'll visit again soon!"

"Make sure you tell me what the message is!" Kraden called as the group exited.

* * *

Hama had chased Ivan around the room for the 136,835,055th time. By now, they were both going at a rate of one kilometre per hour. 

"Ivan…pant…you…IDIOT!" Hama panted.

"Pie Jesu domine…whack & pant…dona eis requiem…whack 'n pant…pie Jesu domine…whack & pants…dona eis requiem…whack…"

"I'm…pant…going…to…get…you…for…pant…getting…me…for…getting…pant…you…for…getting…pant…me…pant…for… …double pant"

"Pie Jesu domine…whack 'n pant…dona eis requiem…whack & pant…pie Jesu domine…feeble whack…dona eis requiem…whack…"

"Ivan…pant…stop the…pant…Latin…"

* * *

"Why am I imagining for some odd reason that Ivan is chanting in Latin while being chased by Hama around a random room in Contigofor the 136,835,055th time at a speed of one kilometre per hour?" Sheba asked. 

Mia shrugged. "… … Whatever. We still need to find the message. Kraden said there _was_ one, right?"

Isaac nodded. "Right. It was part of his recent million-year-long lecture on stenography."

"…sixty-nine, seventy! Seventy! That must mean something!" Jenna exclaimed. " 'Go' is the seventieth word!"

"Right…what has that got to do with anything?" Felix asked.

"Oh brother! The seventieth word, 'go', is the word just before this misplaced semicolon! See?" She pointed. "What if we tried skipping words? Like, every seventh word! … … some…was…me…for…nope. Sorry."

"Jenna, you have raised an interesting point. Again." Felix smiled. "Pencil and paper, please!"

* * *

Bob looked at Karla Hemelku. "Do you think they're still fighting? It's been, like, forever." 

"Yeah, like, of _course_ they're fighting! They don't stop for, like, _days_, ya know!"

Bob nodded sombrely. "You must be correct. Murderers are always correct."

* * *

Felix's eyes widened as he looked at the message he wrote. Crumpling it up, he spoke in a most urgent voice: "Piers. Can you set sail on the boat immediately?" 

"Yes. Of course."

"Good. Everyone, pack your things. We're going to Contigo."

Jenna shook her head. "Can't we just use the Teleport Lapis?"

"No. Ivan has it. Hurry! I'll explain on the ship."

* * *

Don't be _too _sad! I won't be updating very frequently. Right, Sheba?

Sheba: TBRE has relatives coming over. Finally, a vacation! I'm going to Alaska - I mean, Prox!

TBRE: Why? It's so cold!

Sheba: It's better than 35 degree (Celsius)weather! I fried eggs on the asphalt today!

TBRE: And I cooked a hotdog with an aluminum bowl and plastic wrap. Whatever.

Sheba: ... Right. Bye.

TBRE: The challenge...!

Sheba: Right. Of course. We challenge you, the reader, to figure out the secret message in the letter from Ivan. Don't tell the answer, even though it's not a spoiler or anything. Oh, and review!


	5. Ivan vs Hama, Part Two

Chapter 5: Ivan vs. Hama, Part Two

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Dear SpasticDjinn: See end of chapter. 

Dear Other Readers: Sorry (really) about the horrible quality of the stories. I'll improve, hopefully in the next few years or so!

DISCLAIMER: No elephants were harmed in the making of this story. Golden Sun, naturally, doesn't belong to me.

* * *

Hama sighed. "What a stupid prank, Ivan. That's all I can say. Stupid. After seeing you journey up, down and across Weyard, lighting the lighthouses, meeting new people, trying new things…you're still enough of a kid to pull such a prank. Your friends will be here by nightfall. You had better explain yourself to them, or you might get in trouble." 

"But, sister!" Ivan whined.

"You know full well I have _not_ been abusing you. I repeat. Tonight when they come, you explain yourself to them. Tell them about the stupid prank you played on them, and tell them why they went to see Kraden."

Ivan paled. "Kraden? Oh, what have I done?"

Hama paused, then continued. "Ivan, I know it hurts. But this is something you must do." Again, she paused.

"What's with the second pause, Hama?" Ivan asked.

"Ivan, our house is not big enough for seven visitors. You will have to pay for their lodgings at the inn."

"That's 140 coins! (Author's note: the price is actually 160 coins, but since only seven people are staying, it's 140 coins.) Besides, they have rooms on the ship-"

"Ivan! It's the least you can do! They went to see _Kraden!_"

"Oh, all right…" Ivan sulked.

Hama frowned. "Don't sulk like that in front of me. Do it elsewhere."

"…I wish I still lived in Kalay."

"Ivan!" Hama barked.

"I really do. You yell at me too much."

"I…Ivan, look. When you left…Mom told me to take care of you…if I ever found you again. I…I'm just doing what I thought she would do."

"Hell, _you_ could be my mother! You sure sound like one!" Ivan yelled. "You _are_ abusing me! Was that prank such a prank, after all?"

"Ivan…Ivan, please…couldn't you just…"

"I'm tired of it all! You're always bringing up Mother, you're always telling me what a _kid_ I am, you're always so dissatisfied with every little thing I do! I want to go break a dishwasher or something!"

Hama stared. "…Dishwasher?"

"Don't ask me where I came up with-"

"…Dishwasher?"

"I said, don't ask me where I came up-"

Hama sighed. "What a stupid prank, Ivan. That's all I can say. Stupid. After seeing you journey up, down and across Weyard, lighting the lighthouses, meeting new people, trying new things…you're still enough of a kid to pull such a prank. Your friends will be here by nightfall. You had better explain yourself to them, or you might get in trouble."

Ivan raised his eyebrows. "Umm…Hama?"

"You know full well I have _not_ been abusing you. I repeat. Tonight when they come, you explain yourself to them. Tell them about the stupid prank you played on them, and tell them why they went to see Kraden."

Ivan shook his head, stupefied. "…Yes, you told me that. I'm going to make full restitution tonight. I know one of the trauma counsellors in…"

Hama paused, then continued. "Dishwasher. What is a dishwasher? WHAT THE HELL IS A DISHWASHER?"

Ivan stared. "Umm…Hama, not only did you pause a third time, but I think you went crazy. I'd better go fetch that counsellor…fast!"

Hama stepped menacingly closer. "Ivan!" she hissed. "Tell me! Tell me what a dishwasher is!"

Ivan shrugged. "I dunno. Check on the Internet. The internet knows all. …Wow. I sounded like some sort of fortune teller or something. What _is_ a dishwasher, anyways? …Oh, shit…"

"Ivan, I know it hurts. But this is something you must do." Again, she paused.

"Fourth pause! What the hell is going on?" Ivan asked Babi's ghost. "And why is she repeating word for word what she said before?"

"Lemuria…" Babi's ghost moaned before fading into oblivion.

"Ivan, our house is not big enough for seven visitors. You will have to pay for their lodgings at the inn."

Ivan prepared to run, mentally gauging the time it would take to get to the front door of Contigo Psychologists. "…Forty-two seconds. She's going to blow any second! I know it…I know it!"

Hama blew. "Ivan! Tell me what the Internet is! And dishwasher! What the hell is a dishwasher? And internet? What is that? Tell me, tell me!"

He ran.

The receptionist (whom we shall call Marie even though her real name is Lyn) looked up. "Oh, Ivan!" she said (in that voice used by kindergarten teachers reserved for five-year-olds). "What brings you here?"

The sweating boy panted, "I think I just traumatized my sister Hama. She's been asking me what dishwashers and Internets were."

"Okay, Ivan. Just wait in the anti-lunatic cage over there," Marie gestured to a huge statue of the Star Magician standing in the corner with a door hanging open, "and we'll have someone pick up Hama in a second."

* * *

Meanwhile… 

"I get the feeling Ivan's just playing a prank on us." Jenna said.

Sheba giggled. "No way! He's the most serious guy ever! He's even worse than Felix!"

Isaac and Garet shared a smile.

* * *

A few hours later… 

"Hama, do you still want to know what a dishwasher is?" Ivan asked.

"I don't care, frankly. It doesn't exist. Anyways, Isaac and the others are going to be here very soon. Are you ready to apologize?"

Ivan sounded deflated. "Yes, yes. Sheesh. You're so bossy, Hama."

"I'm supposed to take care of you. Please, let's not have an argument."

"You always start them!" Ivan accused.

Hama protested weakly. "Please, Ivan…my headache…"

"Fine! Here, I'll dull it for you! Pie Jesu domine, dona eis requiem… Pie Jesu domine, dona eis requiem…"

Hama slapped her brother. "Shut up!"

"Shut up!" Ivan mocked, slapping her back. "Shut up! Shut up!" he continued, slapping the poor woman.

"I am not poor!" Hama shouted. "And stop that!" Hama pushed Ivan into the wall, then started to walk away. "Sheesh…oomph!" She fell down.

"If you're not poor, then get a brain!" Ivan shouted.

Hama turned red in anger. "Ivan! Why, you dirty little-"

"I'm not a runt!" Ivan declared, slapping his sister on the head.

"Rat!" she finished, getting up. "You ashwhole, you!" Ivan started running again.

Hama picked up a random box. "Take…that!" she cried, throwing the box at him.

Ivan, dodging the flying horses and quills Hama was throwing at him, ran straight into his room. Which turned out to be a big mistake.

"You can't come out!" Hama teased, tying one end of the doorknob to an elephant's tail using fishing line.

Ivan, meanwhile, was searching for something else. "Since you're already black-hearted, I don't think you'll mind being black-faced, either!" Ivan mused as he picked up a jar of ink.

Hama, being a Jupiter Adept and all, had sensed the danger she was in. She hopped on the elephant, which started on a rampage, plowing through walls and goddess statues until it got outside. Ivan, fearing the house was about to collapse, also ran outside where he nearly got trampled by said elephant (which we'll call Dumdrop). Dumdrop, scared by Ivan, started going crazy. It walked right off the cliff behind the house as Hama screamed. Then, it went back around and up the slope to stomp on the inkpot Ivan had dropped as he fled the (destroyed) house. And let it be known that Dumdrop, in doing so, had plowed right through the Sanctum as well as the two gambling tents.

* * *

Isaac and company ran into Contigo, but presently halted on the Teleport stone, staring at the ruins on the hill…at Dumdrop which was _still _carrying Hama on its back…and a very bruised and battered Ivan. 

Garet was first to speak. "Wow. Ivan really _was_ abused."

* * *

Dear SpasticDjinn: Congratulations for being the first reviewer to give me constructive criticism. Here, have a byte of this cookie. (Puts tracking cookie on SD's computer, enabling me to see his every action on said computer.) 

I'm sorry if this chapter isn't any better. I'm just...really tired lately.

Also, in Chapter 4, Kraden mentioned something about stenography. He's not as smart as he seems! The message wasn't written in shorthand (stenography), but _hidden_ (steganography). Just thought to point that out.


	6. Felix and Jenna in Therapy

Chapter 6: Felix and Jenna in Therapy

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UPDATED DISCLAIMER: I do not own or claim to own Zelda, Golden Sun, or anything in this world, the underworld, the overworld, heaven, Christian hell, Muslim hell, Dante's nine hells and purgatory, the universe or anything in any dimension. 

The reader, by reading this piece of fan fiction, agrees that The Big Rocky Eye, and any entity working under that name, will NOT be liable for any damages occured whatsoever by the reading of this fan fiction.

No psychologists were harmed in the making of this fanfic.

SpasticDjinn: See below.

* * *

Marie (read chapter 5) motioned to the seats in the waiting room. "Please wait here," she said, "Dr. Wesley will be with you shortly". 

"Thank you," Felix said. "Do you know how long we have to wait?"

"Five minutes," replied the receptionist. "She is currently with another group. Please sit and wait."

Felix and Jenna sat down across the room, looking away from each other. They had, after the diary incident, decided that it would be best to seek therapy as a precaution against more serious fights. Namely, those involving Psynergy, which would easily destroy the house.

Felix had Ivan make an appointment with Contigo Psychologists three months ago. The prank Ivan had played on him had got him here just in time. He had forgotten that his appointment was the next day.

Jenna, initially, had been opposed to taking therapy. However, her mother's…persuasions had led her to believe (?) that it was for the better. She was just starting to fume about this when the door bearing the label "Dr. Wesley" opened.

"Goodbye!" called the doctor as her patients exited the room.

Felix and Jenna were, conservatively speaking, startled upon recognition of the patients. They, likewise, were surprised upon seeing the brother and sister in the room.

"What are you doing here?" Felix asked. "I thought you were going with Piers to Kolima to get wood for your house?"

Ivan shook his head. "Hama's been in shock ever since the incident. The healer had us undergo mental therapy right after reviving her. But what are _you_ doing here? I thought you and Jenna got along just fine!"

"Fine?" Jenna laughed. "This nosy brat peeked into my diary and managed to get _me_ in trouble for making him cry!"

Felix turned towards her sharply. "You're such a -!"

"Ivan, Piers is waiting," Hama interrupted. "We'd better get on down to the inlet. Goodbye, Felix. Goodbye, Jenna." Hama started towards the door.

"Bye, Ivan! Bye, Hama!" Felix and Jenna called as they walked out the front door.

"Felix and…um…Jenna, please come in." The doctor motioned them in.

"So…you're here because Felix has been traumatized by a near-death incident. Am I right?"

Felix stiffened; Jenna smiled. "Near-death incident? Nothing of the sort! We just fight a lot, and need some counselling." Felix said.

"Well, you always start them." Jenna muttered.

"Okay then! Our session will begin with me getting an idea of your condition. But first, how about you _sit down?"_

Felix and Jenna had been standing at the door. Presently, however, they began to move towards the couch. To the same spot on the couch, in fact.

"Felix, when I tell my story I'm going to cry! At least let me sit where I can get to the tissues!" Jenna barked.

"Well, that's the best place to sit, according to this book!" Felix held up a book entitled "Feng Shui for Nerds".

"You're not a nerd!" Jenna retorted. "How would _you _understand that book? As far as I care, the best spot for you would be twenty yards under my feet!"

Dr. Wesley smiled. "Actually, that's where we keep the files of our patients."

"D'oh!" Jenna exclaimed. "Whatever! I want to sit there!"

"I wanna sit there! I wanna sit there!" Felix imitated in a duck-like voice. "You're such a selfish brat! Why won't you just act like you're _actually _seventeen and find a place to sit down like other civilized people?"

"Hypocrite!" Jenna retorted. "Why don't you take your own advice and find someplace else to sit?"

"You need to learn how to think not only for yourself, but for others. Jenna, please find another place to sit," Felix sighed. "Or do we have to have a fight in the poor doctor's office?"

Dr. Wesley decided it was a good time to interrupt. "How about you both find another place to sit? Since it can't be a win-win situation, the only fair solution would be a lose-lose solution. Felix, you can sit there," she pointed to an armchair, "and Jenna can sit here." She motioned to a stool.

"Fine! I just want to get this session over with." Jenna walked to the stool in a huff.

"Now that we're in our seats," Dr. Wesley started, "Let's hear our problems."

"Felix has a little problem with respecting people's privacy. I saw him looking at my diary! He shouldn't have been in my room, anyway, without my permission." Jenna paused. "We wouldn't fight so much if he learned to mind his own business! And the way he's always lecturing me…"

"I _had _to be in your room to clean it, stupid! I _do_ mind my own business, it's you who don't! Who do you think read _my_ diary in the middle of the night? Who else but you? And I lecture you for a good reason! Doctor, not only is she a complete hypocrite, accusing others of faults she herself has, but she tells lies far too often for her own good! Not only that, she has a horrible temper. You should see how she treats the grandson of the mayor!"

The doctor gasped. "Alfred? How could you?" She took a menacing step towards Jenna. "How dare you mess with Alfred!"

"I mean the grandson of the mayor of Vale, not Contigo."

"Oh."

"I so do _not_ maltreat Garet! He's so dull, so I give him polite wake-up calls!" Jenna retorted.

"Always the same excuse! Always! He's not stupid! You don't always have to be so damned mean to him! Polite wake-up calls – ha! You call 'You _idiot!_ What the hell are you doing?' polite wake up calls? Give me a break!"

Dr. Wesley took a deep breath. "So basically, you're saying that Jenna is an inveterate liar who maltreats people and is a hypocrite."

Felix managed a weak smile. "In a nutshell, she's an asswhole."

"Well, Felix is an annoying brat who can't seem to mind his own business!" Jenna retorted.

Dr. Wesley nodded. "Felix is annoying and always pokes his nose in other's business."

"Same for Jenna! Who do you think opened their big mouth when we were listening in on Briggs?" Felix declared.

"Whose idea was it to walk into somebody else's ship in the first place?"

"Kraden!"

"Oh please."

"It's true!"

Jenna looked up. "Where are _you_ going?"

Dr. Wesley had walked to her desk. "Continue on with your discussion; I'm just getting…more…paper." She laughed nervously as she reached into her desk. She pulled out a film canister, opened the lid and vigorously breathed in some vapours. Closing it, she returned to the arguing siblings, who were now debating which of the two abused Sheba more.

Felix, loudly yelling, was claiming that Jenna took advantage of her position as Sheba's confidante to have someone else, usually Mia, blackmail her, thus ruining relationships and abusing Sheba psychologically. He cited numerous conversations between Jenna and Mia, proving his point. Jenna simply tried to refute all that he was saying.

"That's absurd, Felix! What about _before_ we joined up with Isaac? You think Piers blackmailed Sheba?"

"I believe you could pull off such a stunt." Felix replied.

"You know what? Forget it. You're just being stupid." Right then, the doctor, who was staring at the clock, spoke up.

"Okay! I now have a clear idea of your condition. That will be it for today. I'll see you in…6 months." Dr. Wesley made a few quick notes as she got up towards the door.

Felix looked perplexed. "Wasn't our session supposed to be an hour long?"

"Yes!" the doctor replied, ushering the two out the door.

Jenna returned to her seat. "It's not been an hour yet."

"Yes it has!" Dr. Wesley insisted.

"And besides," Felix said, "wasn't our next appointment two weeks from now?"

"No." The doctor went to the door. "If you do not leave in the next thirty seconds, I will have you charged for trespassing."

Felix chuckled. "If you deny to give us the services you claimed to offer at the time appointed and for the amount of time appointed, I can, and will, sue you for professional negligence."

"What's that?" Jenna whispered.

He didn't know. It was a bluff.

"Not if I murder you!" the doctor retorted.

"Doctor Wesley! What did I tell you about threatening our clients?" An elderly man appeared in the doorway, causing Dr. Wesley to become quite nervous.

"Doctor Robertson! Heh heh…Ooo, an oyster…"

"?" The familiar thought-bubble popped up over Felix's head.

"Give me a rupee! Please, Zelda? Will you give me a rupee?" the younger doctor continued. "Hey! Alfred! Cookie! Give me cookie! And milk! Go milk the oyster!" She started running in circles while blabbering in the manner of lunatics, knocking down everything she touched.

Felix and Jenna shrugged, then left the room while Dr. Robertson apologized profusely.

"And I thought _we_ needed therapy." The siblings laughed.

* * *

SpasticDjinn: Don't worry about me hiding behind my bedroom door with a butcher's knife. (Takes flight to Australia, looks up SpasticDjinn's address somehow, then hides behind his bedroom door with a machete.) I hope I get a better rating now! (Insert smiley face here.) 


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